Mental Health, Strength

Trigger warning

October

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I was not able to get a word out on my blog, in spite of my yearly attempts to raise awareness. My mental health is bad. I am listening to the same song on repeat for days, eating the same poor meals daily because I cannot enjoy new or unusual tastes. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house because I am an impulsive brat and something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I did not belong there. I am back at my mom’s house and I never belonged here either. I never feel home anymore. I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I got the job that I always wanted and I never get to enjoy it. I’m too sad to get out of bed and working from home in a global pandemic isn’t working. I got back into school and I love it and I always will till the last second of it but I never seem to finish anything. I am going out with guys (friends) just so I can remember stuff. I tend to forget a lot because of my medication. I smoke a lot. I work Monday to Friday and have school after my schedule and in weekends. I get so depressed when I finish work earlier because I have nothing to take my mind off stuff. I am not in debt, school is like $3000 for 3 years and I’m good. Here in my country, I earn around the average wage for post-high school education so I am not complaining. I am not paying any rent. Money doesn’t make me happy. I miss my boyfriend so much. We moved in around 2 weeks after we started dated back in January. We fought a lot… new we’re back to dating but he doesn’t even touch me. I am dependent on human touch and had bad separation anxiety as a kid and it developed into huge abandonment trauma… He doesn’t get it. He brought me back everything I had in his studio apt. I am not in a good place. I am crying constantly and I want to move out but I do not have the balls to live alone. I don’t know why I keep hoping I will move back in with him. I won’t. I gained weight, he used to tell me I would look better skinnier and tried to get me into sports (he hates sports). I have so many dreams to pursue and so little energy. I am drained. Drained. I don’t want to do this no more. I just want to disappear. How do I disappear?

December

He left a week ago. It was the evening before an important exam. I cried a lot. He got back because he could not see me failing that. I passed. We split.

Alex, ai plecat și mi-ai luat tot, inclusiv sufletu. Sunt pustiită și nu am mai fost de mult, eu cu mine. E urât locul în care m-ai lăsat… Suntem eu (doar carcasa umană) și trecutul și toate visele zdrobite aici…