I did disappear for around two months. I’m in the process of getting my life together (isn’t anyone this age?). Changed jobs (night shifts are awesome if you don’t expect to have a life in between shifts), managed to get an internship of which I’m very proud of (junior analyst, yay!), passed some of my exams in college. It was a busy summer, indeed. Didn’t travel anywhere, honestly, I was focused entirely on exams and work. I didn’t like my work, but I didn’t hate it either. Made tons of friends. Kept myself busy, so my mental health would reinstate into normal. It’s been spacey these days. I think I’ve lost a little party of myself into space. At some point, I was so sad that one day, my best friend from work, who lived in another city, sent out the whole management team to me to hug me, thing that taught me that feelings need no distance, joy needs no reason and grace comes from within. The guy taught me how to be heartfelt when I almost forgot what that meant. I pretty much am taking life as it is, trying to make the best out of it. Trying to live a healthy lifestyle, eating less chocolate (lies), almost fully quit alcohol. I sleep as much as possible, dance as much as possible, sing as much as possible. I, as much as possible, try to absorb every gram of happiness. The only thing I haven’t even bothered trying to quit is smoking. I enjoy every bit of smoke that comes out of a cigarette. But I do enjoy that with some coffee. Remember I used to drink my coffee dark as my soul and bitter as my past? Now it’s more milk in there than it is coffee, and it’s overloaded with sugar. It’s the little things in life. You know, if you can change it for the better, why wouldn’t you?
They say to clean out your closet once a year, to get rid of the clothes you’re never going to wear again and find them a new, warm home. Why wouldn’t you? It’s better than keeping them there just to get old and lonely, and it’s awful to throw them out. They told me to brush my teeth twice a day, otherwise I’ll be toothless. Why wouldn’t I? One day, when I was a kid, I was on the train and I saw a guy with one tooth missing; it left a mark onto my mind as I religiously brush my teeth since then. They told me to soften my voice, to dress more girly, to wear more make-up, to wear heels more often. Why wouldn’t I? Being and feeling small is something girly and cute, boys like that, boys like everything soft & covered in lace, don’t they? Why wouldn’t I wear winged liner to college every day? That’s going to elongate my eyes, make my gaze more powerful, that will let people know I’m there like I own the place. Feel bad? Go shopping, girl, you have to look polished either way, so buying something will only help your appearance.
Who’s going to tell you to clean out the people in your life as you clean out your closet? We all have toxic guests into our lives, people we don’t want to let go of, people who will play you only by sketching a smile (some are good with words as well), some will buy you chocolate, some will tell you they miss you, some will try to keep you there when you want to leave.
Who’s going to tell you you don’t need to pay attention twice a day for something to stay inside your soul? Anything like kindness, empathy, love and affection, the warmth inside your soul or whatever floats your boat. If it’s there, it’s there, love, the only way you can benefit this is to water your inside garden and then benefit from the flowers. Don’t you love them when they bloom? Don’t you love it when you bloom?
Who’s going to tell you you have no obligation to keep appearances polished, as it’s your mind, body, homeplace? Imagine your soul being like a room with a floor made out of pillows, walls made out of blankets and the sun shining from …somewhere. Warm and cozy, ain’t it? All your loved ones are there. You wouldn’t welcome them into a room full of dirt, cement and blood, right? You’d be too ashamed to let them in.
You don’t need to physically cover yourself into a blanket just so you can make someone’s soul’s feel warm. Sure, you can, but it’s not about the fucking blanket. Oh, and in the little warm room, make sure, please, that the music ain’t too lout or too out of the ordinary, otherwise the people will leave. I mean, be serious, who would stay in such an uncomfortable environment? That’s how the mind works as well.Who, when it comes to seeing you down, listening to whatever music the brain decides to play, would stay through that? Try and give them a blanket and maybe they will stay the night, but I highly doubt that. Thing is, you don’t HAVE to make anyone happy with your looks, you can brush your teeth three times a day if you want, clean out your closet every season just to make someone else happy, because maybe it’s Christmas and they got no place to live and I’m sure you’ll never wear the sweater your grandma made for your mom when she left to college. Go ahead and eat all the chocolate, or maybe share it with the neighbour’s granddaughter if that will make her smile, even though she pisses you the fuck off.
As Charlie Chaplin said, we think too much and feel too little. We’re molded into the shape of ego and despair and we forget how blue the sky is or how blue your eyes seem, we forget to drink tea with ourselves, we forget how much we love reading a book in a yellow lamp light, under a pillow fort. Our pet’s little paws in the morning. Chips and a good TV show. Masks and hot baths. We forget to take time for ourselves. And like everything alive that’s being forgotten, we die inside little by little, day by day. And we get away with the murder of our own souls, but why, why, why?
Why wouldn’t you enjoy your breakfast warm? Why wouldn’t you sleep at 10 p.m.? Why would you be mean and spread hate? Afraid of the carrion inside of you, scared it may get another taste of life? You simply ok with living half dead, with a little less soul than what you might’ve had? Why settle for less? Why not more soul? More kindness. More warmth. More books. More tea. Ask your mother out. Ask your father to dance with you. Rest your head on their shoulder, or on your grandmother’s lap while she’s watching TV, take a deep breath and feel the energies. Feel them. Feel them! Go ahead, lie onto your bed and take deep breaths. Feel the air, how heavy it is, feel yourself (no pun intended), feel how the blood rushed through your veins, feel your lungs breathing. Be the few in this world who are filling themselves with good energies. But don’t take it all from the universe, always leave a Joule to another lost soul around galaxies. Grow beautifully aside with your alter-energy-ego and be the few who want to stop rushing, in this world that is unable to be stopped, stop running for the bus, stop it and just breathe.
Just breathe.