Mental Health, Random Blathers

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!

My beliefs are strongly intertwined with my synapses and always have been – and I have read all I could ever find about them. This is not about religion, race, sexual orientation, it’s not about my state of mind. This is for the other selves I could have been but chose not to become because I feel the need of explaining myself in front of my harshest judge – my conscience, my senses of right or wrong and today I chose the right path of rehabilitating my soul and thus I feel like telling the truth and moving on.

I have chosen to become who I am based on my past, which I am not going to offer many details about but rather do an introspection and note down the conclusions.

I have chosen to believe in who I am because my gut never, but absolutely never lied to me. I have had anxiety all my life as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and you would say a borderline mind cannot do justice to itself but I have come to the conclusion that it is the only rehab I have left.

I have chosen to end interpersonal relationship because of the toxicity they were veiled in, and it wasn’t always them. It was me and my needy soul, not initiated in the adult world; it was the lack of education about health and human decency; it was my lack of moderate to high self-esteem that has gotten me into projecting my frustrations into toxic patterns in relationship with people, whether they were romantic or platonic. After so many years of trying to make it work blind to the patterns, these pandemic months have gotten me into thinking much less about them and therefore worry less. When I started to worry less I managed to see that it was me that was toxic half of the times. So I let them go and I let go of my past self who was caught in the thoughts. I am now free and with a way less agitated mind and soul, open to everything else. Whoever stuck, I am forever grateful for. I chose not to lie to myself. I am an adult in an adult world and I had to take a lot of decisions to become who I am today.

I have chosen to get a driver’s license so I can get into my car and drive wherever my mind wants to go and to stop being dependent on others to drive me to my weird places at weird hours.

I have chosen to do right to those in need because that’s what my moral bible tells me. I am nowhere close to being religious – the only God judging me is the universe and its almighty karma.

I have chosen not to beg for love and friendships but rather plant their seeds and water them and see them grow under my protective wings. I have chosen to give love unconditionally and offer friendship to whoever deserved a helping hand and even though I have burnt the tips of my fingers, I found the emotional satisfaction far greater than the price I had to pay if someone took advantage of that.

I have finally managed to like my body and I do not give a shit about the fact that I don’t weigh as much as I did when I was anorexic.

I am no saint but I chose to believe nobody is and to stop idolizing the greater good in life. Life comes with ugly, nasty, toxic shit that should have as much as less possible impact onto you. I have become responsible of handling my life and other’s lives with care – and when the end is not the happiest, I have learnt not to project their pain into my arms and not take full responsibility when it really is not the case.

I have chosen to smile more, listen to more of my favorite music, share the snacks I’m eating and the smoke I am smoking and spread kindness into the small circle I have left. Even though it rarely gets “paid” back, I have become ok with it as I am not expecting anything in return anymore. Great expectations, great disappointments therefore, thanks, but no thanks.

I have finally chosen to admit to believing in reincarnation after reading a very disturbing book for my soul. I mean, it was not written in any disturbing way, it just touched some cords inside my soul I did not even know I had. It was about a psychiatrist who chose hypnotherapy for a patient and slowly they found the source of all the mental stuff the girl was living – and it was her soul and mind which wasn’t healed from previous lives + the buses they took in the journeys between lives. I have never needed a confirmation for my beliefs, but now I choose not to hide it anymore.

I have chosen to love life more than I ever thought I could.

I have chosen to let the sad nights happen and not worry about them but live the sadness and then let it go. I listen to my sad music and eat my chocolate and smoke my pack of cigarettes without a care. This too shall pass and I found that I am stronger each time I choose not to do something that could easily end my life.

I have chosen to follow a degree that sparks as much curiosity in me as the previous did – hopefully this time I’m going to get luckier.

I have chosen to believe in luck and I have chosen to believe you can also guide luck to you. The universe gives you all the signs you need, you just need to look for them.

I have chosen to be the woman I am today and I have no regrets.

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