Mental Health

The life I have never lived

I was never prepared for the moment when life would just show me how insignificant I am. I thought I could live a life full of joy and greatness, but here I am unable to tie two phrases together, bawling my eyes because I can’t find one word to describe how I am feeling – constantly under the pressure of what I could have been and what I could have lived.

I am jealous of all my other selves, coexisting but in separate universes, unable to see or help me and me unable to ask them for help and guidance. I am lost…

I could have been great, you know? The greatest. I was good at what I was doing. I was thriving, smart, beautiful and nothing could have stopped me from fulfilling my dreams. Yet here I am, in the darkness of my room, the same four fucking walls I am so sick of, wondering what changed. Why am I like this?

Why does my happiness now depend on others? Why am I just waiting for time to pass? For what? To get old and have the same frown every day. I cannot recognize this girl…

Why am I so scared of myself? Of being happy with no reason? Why do I feel like I need to be in control of everything, always? It doesn’t work that way and that brings me so much frustration. Change your tone in an exchange of text messages and I’ll lose my mind, even though my rational mind tells me otherwise… My rational mind knows I am safe and nothing changed. However, I cannot stop overthinking what happened, because my mind really thinks something happened. My 6th sense never disappointed but this is getting ridiculous

I am a bit… unsteady, you know? And I cannot love myself like that because I didn’t raise myself to be weak. I cannot accept the weakness, the overwhelming weakness that visits me every night, leaving me unable to close my eyes and have a decent night’s sleep. Not even meds help as they used to…
I wish I was free

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