Idealism

Insomnia lui Vladimir Helmis

Pe la 4 jumate dimineața când pleacă tramvaiele de la depou scârțâind cu dinții lor de fier pe șine, vârsându-mi sticlă pisată în urechi, pe la ora aceea renunț să mă mai lupt cu insomnia. O chem lângă mine și ea vine cuminte, se așează pe un scaun și începe să converseze politicoasă. Eu stau întins pe covor cu ochii în tavan și nu o văd decât cu colțurile privirii. Vorbim vrute și nevrute, ca doi camarazi de liceu care s-au reîntâlnit după mulți ani, puțin stânjeniți de situație, dorindu-și cu sinceritate să se termine odată conversația asta, să își reia odată drumul mai departe fiecare. Nimic mai neplăcut decât să vorbești cu un străin ca și cum ați fi încă prieteni. Insomnia începe să mă întrebe despre vechi cunoștințe, prieteni, colegi, trecători, oameni pe care am crezut că i-am uitat. Fețe pe care le-am văzut în tramvai, mutre obosite din metrou, voci anonime la telefon. Nu știu de ce dar insomnia mea mereu își aduce aminte de ei pe la 5 dimineața. Cum or fi arătând viețile lor? Sunt ei fericiți? Mai fericiți decât mine probabil că da, nu e greu deloc să mă întreacă cineva pe mine. Oare câți din ei dorm bine noaptea? Care dintre străinii pe care am să îi văd azi va muri? Un om … Dive deeper

Idealism

If i could, I would just go downstairs

And you‘ll say that you don’t care, that you never cared, and that you don’t give a shit about what happens tomorrow. But I hear the tremble in your voice, I learned how to tell when you were truly upset from when you were just mad, anger bubbling beneath the surface, and I wish you‘d just say that tonight was a disaster, that we were a disaster, but you don’t. So I‘ll let you think that I believe you when you say that you don’t feel a thing and I‘ll let you go even though I know you just want to be held one last fucking time. You’ll let me think that everything that’s ever come out of your mouth was a lie when in reality you have never learned how to tell the poisonous words you throw around so carelessly from the truth. When in reality you don’t care about a little heartbreak, about a little pain, as long as you get a couple of carefree moments out of it. But you don’t call and you don’t text and you never say the things that feel like lead on your tongue because you remember me letting you leave, me allowing you to walk away without so much as a backwards glance. Thinking I was too much of a coward … Dive deeper

Mental Health, Strength

Trigger warning

October

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I was not able to get a word out on my blog, in spite of my yearly attempts to raise awareness. My mental health is bad. I am listening to the same song on repeat for days, eating the same poor meals daily because I cannot enjoy new or unusual tastes. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house because I am an impulsive brat and something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I did not belong there. I am back at my mom’s house and I never belonged here either. I never feel home anymore. I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I got the job that I always wanted and I never get to enjoy it. I’m too sad to get out of bed and working from home in a global pandemic isn’t working. I got back into school and I love it and I always will till the last second of it but I never seem to finish anything. I am going out with guys (friends) just so I can remember stuff. I tend to forget a lot because of my medication. I smoke a lot. I work Monday to Friday and have school after my schedule and in weekends. I get so depressed when I finish work earlier because I have nothing … Dive deeper