Mental Health, Strength

Trigger warning

October

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I was not able to get a word out on my blog, in spite of my yearly attempts to raise awareness. My mental health is bad. I am listening to the same song on repeat for days, eating the same poor meals daily because I cannot enjoy new or unusual tastes. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house because I am an impulsive brat and something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I did not belong there. I am back at my mom’s house and I never belonged here either. I never feel home anymore. I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I got the job that I always wanted and I never get to enjoy it. I’m too sad to get out of bed and working from home in a global pandemic isn’t working. I got back into school and I love it and I always will till the last second of it but I never seem to finish anything. I am going out with guys (friends) just so I can remember stuff. I tend to forget a lot because of my medication. I smoke a lot. I work Monday to Friday and have school after my schedule and in weekends. I get so depressed when I finish work earlier because I have nothing … Dive deeper

Random Blathers, Strength

Little things to never forget

“Don’t just see me, but get to know me. Understand me. Teach me. Don’t just look at me, but dive deeper. Learn about me. Value who I truly am.”

“Sometimes people think they know you. They know a few facts about you, and they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. And if you don’t know yourself very well, you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is, that isn’t you. That isn’t you at all.” —Leila Sales

“Here’s to the ones who have nothing figured out in their lives currently, the ones who wake up each day with no desire to ever leave their beds, the ones who fake smiles and wear a mask each day just so they wouldn’t hurt anyone around them, here’s to the ones who sleep with tears in their eyes and pain in their hearts, the ones who stay inside for days trying to pull themselves together as if they’re a puzzle missing all its pieces, here’s to the ones who find themselves spacing out thinking about how lonely they feel deeply in their bones even when they’re surrounded by all their loved ones, here’s to the ones who are afraid of their own thoughts and own beings, the ones who have to fight every damn day … Dive deeper

Idealism, Strength

Monolog catre Dumnezeu

Hei,

Știu că nu ne cunoaștem, poate că ai auzit despre mine în stânga și-n dreapta, că lumea mai bârfește. Mi-ar plăcea să te scot la un ceai fierbine, știu că ți-e frig, și mie îmi este. Nu îmi stă în fire să mă bag în seamă, de fiecare dată când am făcut asta s-a terminat prost și evit situațiile de genul. Am auzit multe despre tine. Despre unele – aproape că nu mi-a venit să cred, cică ești peste tot, auzi la ei. Cred totuși că mă știi, că tu le știi pe toate și îi știi pe toți. Nu o spun pe un ton peiorativ, nu, e chiar impresionant.

Mă întreb dacă știi cum arăt, cine sunt, ce gândesc. În ce culoare mi-am vopsit părul, nuanța mea de fard de zi cu zi, șosetele preferate, desuurile dantelate sau pantalonii pufoși dimineața când deger, dacă port aur sau argint (deși mă îndoiesc că-ți pasă). Primul lucru pe care-l fac când deschid ochii, dacă pocnesc sau nu biluța de la țigara de dimineață, după cine întind mâna înainte să adorm. Mă întreb, oare, măcar te interesează? Nu cred că ai idee câte ți-aș spune dacă te-aș prinde măcar o seară, pentru câte te-aș blama și mi-aș cere scuze știind că a fost doar vina mea, și că fiecare om suportă … Dive deeper