Mental Health

The life I have never lived

I was never prepared for the moment when life would just show me how insignificant I am. I thought I could live a life full of joy and greatness, but here I am unable to tie two phrases together, bawling my eyes because I can’t find one word to describe how I am feeling – constantly under the pressure of what I could have been and what I could have lived.

I am jealous of all my other selves, coexisting but in separate universes, unable to see or help me and me unable to ask them for help and guidance. I am lost…

I could have been great, you know? The greatest. I was good at what I was doing. I was thriving, smart, beautiful and nothing could have stopped me from fulfilling my dreams. Yet here I am, in the darkness of my room, the same four fucking walls I am so sick of, wondering what changed. Why am I like this?

Why does my happiness now depend on others? Why am I just waiting for time to pass? For what? To get old and have the same frown every day. I cannot recognize this girl…

Why am I so scared of myself? Of being happy with no reason? Why do I feel like I need to be in … Dive deeper

Mental Health, Strength

Trigger warning

October

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I was not able to get a word out on my blog, in spite of my yearly attempts to raise awareness. My mental health is bad. I am listening to the same song on repeat for days, eating the same poor meals daily because I cannot enjoy new or unusual tastes. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house because I am an impulsive brat and something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I did not belong there. I am back at my mom’s house and I never belonged here either. I never feel home anymore. I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I got the job that I always wanted and I never get to enjoy it. I’m too sad to get out of bed and working from home in a global pandemic isn’t working. I got back into school and I love it and I always will till the last second of it but I never seem to finish anything. I am going out with guys (friends) just so I can remember stuff. I tend to forget a lot because of my medication. I smoke a lot. I work Monday to Friday and have school after my schedule and in weekends. I get so depressed when I finish work earlier because I have nothing … Dive deeper

Mental Health, Random Blathers

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!

My beliefs are strongly intertwined with my synapses and always have been – and I have read all I could ever find about them. This is not about religion, race, sexual orientation, it’s not about my state of mind. This is for the other selves I could have been but chose not to become because I feel the need of explaining myself in front of my harshest judge – my conscience, my senses of right or wrong and today I chose the right path of rehabilitating my soul and thus I feel like telling the truth and moving on.

I have chosen to become who I am based on my past, which I am not going to offer many details about but rather do an introspection and note down the conclusions.

I have chosen to believe in who I am because my gut never, but absolutely never lied to me. I have had anxiety all my life as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and you would say a borderline mind cannot do justice to itself but I have come to the conclusion that it is the only rehab I have left.

I have chosen to end interpersonal relationship because of the toxicity they were veiled in, and it wasn’t always them. It was me and my needy soul, not … Dive deeper