Idealism

If i could, I would just go downstairs

And you‘ll say that you don’t care, that you never cared, and that you don’t give a shit about what happens tomorrow. But I hear the tremble in your voice, I learned how to tell when you were truly upset from when you were just mad, anger bubbling beneath the surface, and I wish you‘d just say that tonight was a disaster, that we were a disaster, but you don’t. So I‘ll let you think that I believe you when you say that you don’t feel a thing and I‘ll let you go even though I know you just want to be held one last fucking time. You’ll let me think that everything that’s ever come out of your mouth was a lie when in reality you have never learned how to tell the poisonous words you throw around so carelessly from the truth. When in reality you don’t care about a little heartbreak, about a little pain, as long as you get a couple of carefree moments out of it. But you don’t call and you don’t text and you never say the things that feel like lead on your tongue because you remember me letting you leave, me allowing you to walk away without so much as a backwards glance. Thinking I was too much of a coward … Dive deeper

Mental Health, Strength

Trigger warning

October

This year, on World Mental Health Day, I was not able to get a word out on my blog, in spite of my yearly attempts to raise awareness. My mental health is bad. I am listening to the same song on repeat for days, eating the same poor meals daily because I cannot enjoy new or unusual tastes. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house because I am an impulsive brat and something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I did not belong there. I am back at my mom’s house and I never belonged here either. I never feel home anymore. I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I got the job that I always wanted and I never get to enjoy it. I’m too sad to get out of bed and working from home in a global pandemic isn’t working. I got back into school and I love it and I always will till the last second of it but I never seem to finish anything. I am going out with guys (friends) just so I can remember stuff. I tend to forget a lot because of my medication. I smoke a lot. I work Monday to Friday and have school after my schedule and in weekends. I get so depressed when I finish work earlier because I have nothing … Dive deeper

About me

Mixing faiths II

Mă întreb dacă a mai rămas ceva din sacii ăia de fluturi despre care povesteam acum mai bine de un an, în prima parte a poveștii. Niște schelete rătăcite. Ca și la oameni, energia lor rămâne și băntuie dacă proprietarul energiei nu s-a dus liniștit.

Îmi intersectez privirea cu a ta, sub o lumină roșie, de data asta chiar ruptă dintr-un film, un film pe care nu l-am considerat niciodată o realitate palpabilă și m-a trosnit fix în moalele capului.

M-am pierdut și nu știu încotro s-o iau, nicio busolă nu-mi ajută picioarele îngreunate să meargă în direcția corectă. Se întâmplă mult prea multe coincidențe și nu știu ce să fac, unde să mă refugiez, să mă retrag – dar știu că trebuie s-o fac, trebuie să fug, de tine, de noi, dar nu vreau, nu e corect… M-am pierdut și parcă-mi place că zbor, dar eu nu știu să zbor așa că o să dau cu căpocul de ceva cât de curând.

Sunt un om speriat de necunoscut. Dacă e comod, e bine.

Dar stai să te gândești că uneori comoditatea nu este totul. Nu-ți oferă nimic din ce vrea inima aia sălbatică și însetată. Nesăbuite sentimente și nenorociți fluturi, acum v-ați trezit să înviați?! Serios?! Nu merge așa și trebuie să ne prindem amândoi că nu e corect … Dive deeper