Mental Health, Random Blathers

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!

My beliefs are strongly intertwined with my synapses and always have been – and I have read all I could ever find about them. This is not about religion, race, sexual orientation, it’s not about my state of mind. This is for the other selves I could have been but chose not to become because I feel the need of explaining myself in front of my harshest judge – my conscience, my senses of right or wrong and today I chose the right path of rehabilitating my soul and thus I feel like telling the truth and moving on.

I have chosen to become who I am based on my past, which I am not going to offer many details about but rather do an introspection and note down the conclusions.

I have chosen to believe in who I am because my gut never, but absolutely never lied to me. I have had anxiety all my life as a symptom of borderline personality disorder and you would say a borderline mind cannot do justice to itself but I have come to the conclusion that it is the only rehab I have left.

I have chosen to end interpersonal relationship because of the toxicity they were veiled in, and it wasn’t always them. It was me and my needy soul, not … Dive deeper

Random Blathers

Spring helter-skelter

May 3rd

Midnight thoughts veiled me again, I’m in pain and miserable. I am looking for the moon that doesn’t exist on my ceiling, nor does it live close enough to me. For an escape that I fear, because the only escape that exists is the one that scares me the most, shivers down my spine. It’s a home I do not want to let go of, but it is not my home. Unbreak me and bring me back to life, because I am bound to you with all my being and all my energies. Tonight I am crying even though you are holding my hand. I am crying under pressure, that you might not hold it next time I will be crying. It s a hopeless cry, it is a cry for help and it is a cry for love – because i love you like i love myself, my soul, my only will to be alive. I’m in pain and endangered, my soul feels unsafe, stepping into the unknown, how do I protect it from me and you? Because you don’t understand, my soul needs to be protected. I would die caring for its well being and to protect it. I would die for my soul. I just hope it will not die along with me. Cause I, … Dive deeper

Random Blathers

Virtues

Is patience a virtue, though? Faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, prudence and temperance are all considered the Seven Heavenly Virtues. So you can be strong, empathic and careful and you’d be virtuous, but I think patience may kill every spark in you. Yes, usually hurrying stuff is not a wise thing to do if not imperiously necessary, but how do you handle the primary instinct that burns through your veins? May it be work related or something personal, haven’t you ever pushed it a little bit and succeed? But haven’t you ever push it a bit and disastrously fail? When and how do you know if you should be patient? Wait for friday to pass and a new weekend to come and here’s how years will pass so fast; but wait for someone, wait for the paycheck, wait for anything good that would give your heart a glimpse of satisfaction and you’ll feel like you’ve been waiting forever. So what if you don’t want to waste your time waiting? What if you want to actually feel like living – or at least, trying to get out of that routine? Because you’ll go back knowing your routine is good, it got you out of so much trouble. Spared you the morning hurry, because you always wake up early enough to drink … Dive deeper